and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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