a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
