Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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