hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
