We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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