I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
