Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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