My Higher Power is John Stamos
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
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