New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I understand Curling. That high.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
