You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
