it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
