I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
