Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
