So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize