I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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