a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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