i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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