tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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