She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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