dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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