please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
