I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize