she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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