Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
