I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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