I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
