I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
