Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize