I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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