you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
me + whiskey = a bad person
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
