Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
