somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
