I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
