I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
