you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
