Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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