Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize