i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
