I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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