I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
