I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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