Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
