Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize