My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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