Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
