I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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