did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize