I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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