look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
