Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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