wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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