I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
