1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
