I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
