Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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