You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize