apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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