I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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