i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
