I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
