she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize